EYE CONTACT, TONE OF VOICE, AND DRESS

From Survival Guide for People living with Asperger's Syndrome

by Marc Segar

Eye contact

Eye contact is hard to get right because it is hard to tell whether you are giving someone too much eye contact or too little when they are talking to you.

While people are not talking and when you are not talking to them, it is often best not to look at them. This is because people can usually see that you are looking at them out of the corner of their eyes and this may make them feel uncomfortable, in which case they might talk about you behind your back.

To control your gaze might be difficult for you but it is by no means impossible.

Also, pointing at people can make them suspicious and should be avoided or at least done very discreetly.

When you are talking to someone or they are talking to you, you are expected to look at them, bearing in mind the following guidelines.

To look at someone for less than one third of the time may be communicating that either you are shy (if you keep looking down) or you are dishonest (if you keep looking to the side).

To look at someone for more than two thirds of the time may be communicating that either you like them (if you are looking at the face as a whole) or you are aggressive (if you are looking straight into their eyes).

To look at someone for the whole time, giving steady and unbroken eye contact, can mean one of two things. Either you are challenging them (the aggressive gaze) or you fancy them (the intimate gaze). However, in other cultures (e.g. Mediterranean Europe), it can also symbolize companionship. For someone with autism it can be very difficult because first, we have to be sure that it IS appropriate. Also, fixed eye-contact can forcefully distract us when we try to talk.

Tone of voice

You might be one of these people who almost talks in a single tone without knowing it.

Ask a trustworthy person if this is true and if it is, you may have to exaggerate the intonation in your voice to emphasize what you say, but not too much. This will sound artificial at first.

If you are reading a story-book to a child then the more intonation, the better.

The intonation in our voices is extremely important in determining whether we are being enthusiastic or sarcastic about something. It is also important in telling whether we mean something seriously or just as a joke.

To talk in a single tone can make it sound as if you're depressed. When talking about something good or exciting, you have to make yourself sound excited too, otherwise people tend to think it sounds strange.

If you are a young man whose voice is breaking, then if you find it more comfortable, just let it break for good. It may sound strange at first on the inside but it will be sounding much more natural on the outside. If you are worried about what your friends might think, which should only be a short term problem anyway, it might be useful to take the opportunity of letting your voice break while you are changing schools.

Finally, remember not to speak too loudly and not to speak too quietly. This should depend on the distance between you and the other person and the voice should be quieter when a bit of secrecy is needed. Whisper when everyone else is whispering (or when there is someone asleep nearby).

At times when you may need to talk extra loudly and clearly (e.g. on stage or in a play) then you may want to project your voice. To do this, keep a nice straight relaxed posture and imagine that your voice is coming from your stomach, however strange this may seem.

Dress sense

What clothes you wear gives off a message about you.

If you wear bright clashing colored clothes, perhaps intending to look confident, many people are likely to lose interest in you.

If you wear cowboy boots, ripped jeans, heavy metal tee-shirts and a studded leather jacket, people might either be too scared to come near you or will expect to be able to talk to you about heavy metal, music systems, life on the streets and various different night-clubs. It is a very difficult image to pull off.

If you dress in natural colors such as blue, gray , dark-green, black or white, which people cannot laugh at, but still looking trendy, people will judge you on how you come across rather than what you are wearing, which is likely to be what you need.

It is often a good idea to hear someone else's opinion about what you should wear (talk to someone who you can trust).

Click here to proceed to the next chapter.

Click here to go to the home page to view the full range of autism fact sheets at www.autism-help.org
This autism fact sheet is licensed under the GNU Free Documentation.