DATING, GOING OUT AND SEX

From Survival Guide for People living with Asperger's Syndrome

by Marc Segar

Amongst young people, there is much more talk and humor about sex than there are people doing it.

The rules for men and for women are different.

If a man has had lots of girl-friends then he might be called a stud or a stallion. This is a compliment.

Most men tend to be attracted to women who are good looking, supportive and strong-minded but this may vary from one man to another.

If a woman has had lots of boy-friends then she might be called a sl*t ,a sl*g or a tart. This is an insult, however unfair this rule may seem. When someone calls a woman a name like this for a joke, they have to make sure that it sounds like a joke and it has to be at the right time. If you're not sure when the right time is, it is better not to say it at all.

Most women tend to be attracted to men who are fairly good looking, gentlemanly, able to read their signals on boundaries (see body language), polite, clean, honest, not trying too hard to impress, adaptable, positive, supportive, charismatic, fun to be with, having character in their voice, not too meek but not macho either and who show an interest in their feelings. It is rare to find a man with all these qualities together and most women don't expect perfection.

As surely as the rules differ between women and men, so too do the rules governing gays and lesbians.

Knowing all the different swear-words and various slang is important if you want to understand most of the humor amongst young people. If you'd rather not use these words yourself then you don't have to and this might be a good thing. However, you can look them up in a dictionary if it is modern enough and large enough.

Getting too close to someone can sometimes get you into trouble unless you have already established an intimate friendship with that person. However, you might not want to put up barriers either. If you are a man, then if you allow other people to come up and flirt with you but you don't go up and flirt with them, you will probably be taking a trouble-free option and this is probably good. (see boundaries).

If you are a woman, be choosy about the people you flirt with. If you flirt with a man who has a serious lack of respect for boundaries, he might start to make a nuisance of himself.

When it comes to physical contact between yourself and other people, try to develop for yourself a sense of what is and isn't "appropriate" otherwise certain people may become mysteriously unfriendly towards you without ever actually telling you why.

If you have a crush on someone, don't let anyone know in public. People might start making fun of it and your chances will probably be ruined. You may secretly tell friend who you know and trust if you think they might be able to help. Tips for asking people out are mentioned in this chapter.

If you are a virgin, don't tell anyone and try to avoid related topics of conversation, especially if you are a man. There are plenty of virgins out there, many of them in their thirties, and very few of them actually tell people. If you have already told people, don't worry, just don't tell anyone else.

If people make fun of you because you are a virgin, don't let them think it is getting to you and try not to let them sway you into becoming someone with just one thing on your mind as this will cause you a lot of distress.

Also, don't worry about getting your end away just so that you can say you've done it. Besides, when asked "have you done it", it is usually more admirable to laughingly say something like "what's it to you", "that's personal" or "mind your own business". This can easily fool the other person into thinking you've done it anyway. After all, if someone else said one of these things to you, what would they lead you into believing?

If you have recently been out with someone or been to bed with someone, your friends and peers might rather persistently try to find out as much as they possibly can about your encounter. This can be extremely embarrassing. In such situations you may decide to disclose absolutely nothing at all, hoping they will lose interest. Alternatively, you can simply NOT take it seriously and laughingly give them ridiculous exaggerations of what happened.

Some men find it difficult to understand that the very idea of boosting their own egos by collecting memories of sexual liaisons with as many different women as they can is insulting or degrading to a woman's ego.

Many people, in all honesty, find their first experience of sex disappointing.

Nights out

The best reason for having an evening or a night out in a pub or a night-club is to have a good time and talk to people.

You will probably have a much better time if you have a night out with friends rather than if you go out alone.

On a night out, the rules regarding body language become more important.

Be careful with your gaze (unless of course, you are talking with someone). If you look at someone for too long they will probably notice you out of the corner of their eye. This may cause them discomfort. They might then tell their friends about it and become secretively unfriendly towards you. This is especially true about men staring at women.

Some people can be very polite to you but be rude about you behind your back. If you want a clue as to whether or not they really like you, see the rules on eye contact.

If you have been invited to a party, it is often best to turn up at least half an hour late.

It is good to have a bath or a shower before you go out.

It is best not to be the first on the dance floor, even if you can't see anything wrong with this yourself. This doesn't mean you can try and persuade someone else to be the first.

If you are at a night club and it is difficult to join in a conversation with people because of the music being too loud, then you might be one of these people who is better off in pubs or parties at peoples houses.

If you like drinking alcohol because it makes you more sociable, one or two pints is probably enough. Try not to drink to the extent that you make a spectacle of yourself because you might very well cause people to lose interest in you or to take advantage of you.

Most people do NOT think that smoking is cool, so don't think about taking it up for this reason.

If you go to a party at someone's house, there might be cannabis going around. Cannabis comes under many different names including gear, dope, weed, grass, pot, draw and marihuana. It is usually rolled up with tobacco into joints or spliffs. If you feel a need to join in with this walk of life, bear in mind the many risks and know that it can make you less sociable while you smoke it. Also, drugs might affect you differently to how they affect other people because your brain chemistry will be slightly different.

Be very careful where and when you talk about illegal substances, because they ARE illegal.

NEVER buy illegal substances off the streets, it will almost invariably be a con and the people selling them might take it the wrong way and get violent if you try to be friendly with them.

Chat ups

If you decide to go out with the thought of pulling or asking someone out in mind then the following tips might help you but it is essential that you first read the chapters on body language (especially boundaries, eye contact and dress sense), distortions of the truth, conversation, humor and conflict and sex related humor It would be best to have in fact read all the points in the book leading up to this one.

Chatting someone up is traditionally said to be the man's job but these days, it is not uncommon for the woman to take an active role.

If you wish to chat up someone else, the best thing to do is just to talk to them and NOT get too close at first.

Suitable boundaries may vary from one person to another (see body language).

It is important not to appear too eager.

If you are a man, don't wear too much after shave.

Don't chat up just anyone, make sure it's someone you like.

If a man seduces a woman who is drunk, then in the eyes of everyone else, he is taking advantage of her.

If you are a man, don't drop any hints about how much you fancy someone, however subtle they may be. This will only weaken your chances. If you do drop any hints at all, it may be best if they are hints of sincere admiration.

If you are a woman and you drop hints as above to a man, he might start expecting more of you than you meant to offer.

If a woman doesn't want to go out with a man, she will let him know by slipping the words "my boyfriend" into the conversation. This might sometimes mean lying, but it is thought by most people to be the most gentle way of letting the man know.

Chatting someone up is not really that different from an informal interview. Don't forget to look at their face more than two thirds of the time (maybe more) whilst listening or speaking and smile a bit. If they are doing the same, it means they like you too.

If you wish to ask someone out, do it casually and sincerely and where no-one else can hear.

The time it takes between meeting someone for the first time and becoming partners with them can be anywhere from a few minutes to hours, days, weeks, months or even years. If it only takes seconds, however, there is probably something wrong.

You may find someone to go out with at ANY time, it is highly unpredictable.

You might end up spending an evening, or two, or three, with someone you really like and who really builds your hopes up, only to find that they disappoint you. This can happen to anyone and is hardest to cope with when you are new to going out with people.

Many people will go out with each other in secret or will spend much time flirting with each other but never admit that they are going out together. This is often the nature of an open relationship.

Finding the right moment to make that first move is probably the most difficult thing of all and you may need to break some of the rules I have given (cheating a little). Asking someone out is a bit like gambling all your self esteem and taking complete pot luck. But if they turn you down it DOES NOT mean it was stupid to ask.

Always be responsible and remember the importance of safer sex.

OPPORTUNITIES

The first move in finding yourself a social life is often seeing an advert in your local paper and picking up the phone. The most difficult step can often be just picking up the phone.

Clubs and societies can be a good way of meeting people but often require you to be good at a specific hobby or interest if you are to be valued by the group. However, there are also singles clubs and places which exist simply for the purpose of meeting people.

Voluntary work is advertised in the papers and probably also in your local library.

Also, it could be a very good move to enroll in an evening class. Counseling courses and psychology classes may give you a lot of extra insight into social interaction. Even if you don't actually pass the exam, you could easily find yourself drawing more benefit and reward from the course than any other student.

Click here to read the final chapter of this series.

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